Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Couple goals

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese