Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.