Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
You Might Also Like
Only a mother’s love …
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.