Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an airline just for babies.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?