Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*