Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Kermit goes Blue.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work