[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
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Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.