Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Buck naked

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Heroic Misunderstanding

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

I have never related to a cat more

My biological clock is wheezing.