Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
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An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
can’t bark with your mouth full
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.