Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I saw this ending much differently.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work