Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.