Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

looks legit

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.