Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right