Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
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a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
And then there were 4
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.