Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it