@TheAlexNevil

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

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@TheAlexNevil

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

@donni

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

@SortaBad

A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent

@HenpeckedHal

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

@HrBry

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

@ddsmidt

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

@thedad

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

@BigJDubz

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.