When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.