*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Autocorrect is my menesis
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…