Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Hmm, not sure about this change

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

when someone compliments me

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.