Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

The government even made aliens boring

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.