Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

how to have an accident 101

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”