Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

Good morning, Twitter x

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”