Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

What’s so funny?

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Always 🥴