Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

😅🤣😂

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?