Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs