“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
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*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.