“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.