*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.