Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.