@iAmSuzieA

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

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@KeetPotato

cop: “you kinda look like one that’s all”
me: “in no way am i a pirate”
cop: “hmm, are you sure?”
parrot on my shoulder: “did he stutter?”

@bocxtop

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

@salmarch79

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

@thenatewolf

*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.

*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.

@Book_Krazy

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

@OBiiieeee

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

@Shade510

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

@Playing_Dad

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

@krisv_723

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

@ClichedOut

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference