Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name