Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

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cop: “you kinda look like one that’s all”
me: “in no way am i a pirate”
cop: “hmm, are you sure?”
parrot on my shoulder: “did he stutter?”


how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism


Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.


*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.

*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.


Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away


girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts


If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.


A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name


Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.


INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference