Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

is this store having a stroke wtf

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET