Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.