Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell]
BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with?
ME: a kiss?
B: don’t do that
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok