Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit


I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.


Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”


The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time


ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.

CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.


ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter


Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.


A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house