Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
@ candidates for local office
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.