@U_Want_Shum_M8

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

@angeliav68

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

@Brocklesnitch

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

@chuuew

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

@Dawn_M_

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

@ibid78

[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell]
BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with?
ME: a kiss?
B: don’t do that

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

@actualhuman01

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

@TheBoydP

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

@bobvulfov

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok