@U_Want_Shum_M8

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

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@ADHDeanASL

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

@KenJennings

I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.

@SBinLondon

Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”

@Ygrene

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

@thenatewolf

ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.

CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

@delusions_of

Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.

@SortaBad

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house