Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event