Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.