Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.