Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens