Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*