Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
stop
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed