chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
You Might Also Like
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.