chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
You Might Also Like
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.