chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Canada has crack?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me