chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
tell em, edith-anne
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
#inspiration #foodforthought