Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.