@PresTightrhymes

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

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@RumAndReeses

My husband grew a beard and suddenly I’m having to karate chop every woman we pass.

@StupidSophia_

Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”

@pittdave13

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

@shutupmikeginn

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

@BlackJerms

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

@kristygee

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

@WeedlordKrillin

little red riding hood: grandma what big teeth you have

gary busey: wrong house

@BuckyIsotope

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.