My husband grew a beard and suddenly I’m having to karate chop every woman we pass.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
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Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”
“Sooth. Sooth! SOOOTH!!!” –soothsayers
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on
Babies crying everywhere
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
little red riding hood: grandma what big teeth you have
gary busey: wrong house
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.