*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.