*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table

Can I hold your baby?

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Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options


Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.


I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.


Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.


“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*



“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”


*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”


Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.



Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )