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@Poutymcgee: *chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table
Can I hold your baby?
@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
@justokdane: tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin'] ooooh ya baby that's the stuff
@FatherWithTwins: My 6yo wouldn't eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I...I just...I'm gonna need a min here.
@: Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Him: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
@TJ_TheMenace: Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.