The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it