@Poutymcgee

*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table

Can I hold your baby?

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@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

@Tmoney68

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

@AndyAsAdjective

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

@IRLPepperMD

“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*

“Chhh-over.”

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )