If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.
*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table
Can I hold your baby?
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“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
Emergency training complete