chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
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This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Huge, if true.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?