chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
lmfao
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him