Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

TRAIN’S HERE

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.