Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
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Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
zone out
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
turning my gender off to conserve energy
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator