church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
good work, detective
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand