Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.