Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

in 3 months

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas