@PhriendlyCody

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

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@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@joshgondelman

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

@seancehat

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

@OkigboXL

PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.

@TheToddWilliams

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

@Midgetspar

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

@TheMichaelRock

Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.