church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Is anyone gonna tell them?