[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
wow he looks just like him
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
A dad and his duck
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.