Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.