Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

The hardest thing Vision has to do

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

My kitchen overserved me.

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she