[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer