Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
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Marriage is so disrespected as an institution nowadays that soon brides may be tossing the groom and keeping the bouquet.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard