[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

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Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?


Marriage is so disrespected as an institution nowadays that soon brides may be tossing the groom and keeping the bouquet.


There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”


I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want


Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long


I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.


Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)


I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.


1) It’s not very hard