@TweetsByKaylee

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

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@Bookbunny6

Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?

@LaetPO

Marriage is so disrespected as an institution nowadays that soon brides may be tossing the groom and keeping the bouquet.

@goldengateblond

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

@StarksWeek

I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want

@Browtweaten

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

@honeybadgerMel

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

@markedly

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

@VeryLonelyLuke

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

@dksc4life

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard