[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’