Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

airing out the snack pack

I found your tweet-up…

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]