“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Found my door mat
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter