Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

⚰

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’