Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.