Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

Writing, She Murdered.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.