“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Nose
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
wish me luck lads
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.