Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Lmao

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.