Church Pugh’s
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welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.