Church Pugh’s
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
The USS B port
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.