Church Pugh’s
You Might Also Like
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.