Church Pugh’s
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Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
it’s a van. how do they not know this
🤣dope
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative