Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
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Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
wtf is a larm clock?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?